DesTiny's Sick Joke
by spooning with spoons
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Darren Shan and Harry Potter switched places? Read and find out! rated for language.
1. Chapter 1: DesTiny visits

Darren Shan was walking up to Mr. Tall's van when he heard the voice he was hoping he would never have to hear again. That voice belonged to none other than Mr. Desmond Tiny. Now, Mr. Tiny was an old timer, literally, he had supposedly been alive since the beginning of time. Not only was he as old as time he could also travel through it. Being a time traveler there were a few rules, most of which Mr. Tiny somehow found a way to get around. One of those rules was that he couldn't meddle with the affairs of mortals. But like I said, he found loopholes. And if I remember correctly he also ate children. So, the fact that he was there was a very, very bad thing, and Darren was instantly on edge.

"Hello me boy!" Tiny boomed the second Darren opened the door of the van. Mr. Tall, Tiny's son, shot him an apologetic look.

Through gritted teeth Darren said, "Hello sir, what brings you here?"

"Oh, don't pretend to be civil with me Shan; I know what you're thinking. Remember?" Tiny said. (Oh, yeah. Did I mention that Mr. Tiny was also a mind reader?)

"Ok then. What the hell do you want?" Darren practically yelled.

"Ah, now that's better." Tiny sighed. "I just thought I would stop by and say hello to all of my friends at the Cirque."

"Ha, right!" Darren snorted.

'Oh all right. If you must know, I'm here to take you into a different dimension and to switch you with a boy about your age who resides there. Said boy will then be taken here to live your life while you live his." Tiny admitted nonchalantly.

Poor Darren didn't even have time to respond. Because the second that Tiny finished talking he grabbed Darren and they both were transported to a dirt road. The road looked as if it went on forever, but then Mr. Tiny, still by his side, turned him around to face a giant castle. There was a sign post standing off to the side. It read Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** The inspiration for this story came to me in a dream…. Ok, not really, I'm not cool enough for that. It actually came to me while I was looking at an article for mad cow disease. Don't ask! And oh yeah, this is my first story so PLEASE R&R!!!

**Chapter 2**

Harry Potter was sitting in the train on the way to school. He was contemplating buying a chocolate frog while Ron chattered on about how he was going to make the quidditch team this year and Hermione read some large, rather boring looking book. All of a sudden time stopped. Ron was paused right in the middle of chewing a tuna sandwich, not pretty by the way, and Hermione was mid-sneeze. Yet, oddly enough, Harry hadn't been paused while, presumably, everyone else had been. But before he had much time to try and figure out what was going on, someone twirling a heart shaped watch appeared out of thin air.

Harry jumped ten feet in the air while screaming, rather girlishly mind you, "Who the bloody hell are you?!"

The man with the watch laugh sadistically and grabbed poor Harry's arm and off they went. Back they went through time and space, through black holes and galaxies far, far away. Or maybe not, you can ever tell with these things. Oh well, Harry landed with the crazy man still at his side and instantly started having one of his famous temper tantrums. After a minute or two, the man with the heart shaped watch got bored and full-on bitch slapped Harry.

"Alright you screaming ninny. Here's the deal. I've transported you to another dimension and another time. You'll find the people you need to be with right around that hill. This is purely for my own amusement, so make it good." The man with the watched strolled away whistling the song "I Feel Pretty".

Darren stood gaping for a moment and then turned on his heels, prepared to kill Tiny, and then bring him back to life, and then demand that he be taken back. He had a war to fight you know? But sadly he never got that chance. Because Tiny had disappeared.

After a few minutes of pinching himself, he finally decided that he was not, in fact, dreaming.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" He cursed at the heavens or Paradise (If you don't get it, read Cirque Du Freak!) Deciding that it was the only thing to do, he headed off toward Hogwarts Castle.

Harry Potter was standing in the middle of a long, twisting valley. He was still a little shocked by the fact that he had been slapped by the short, crazy man with a watch. But he didn't seem to have been harmed by the time traveling/dimension switching, so he did what the man had proposed a few moments ago. I mean, there was really nothing else that he could do.

He walked around the hill and found himself in the middle of a giant campsite full of freaks. No, literally, he was smack dab in the middle of a circus; he could see the tent a little further away in a clearing. He saw a cage with what looked like the muggle version of a werewolf; it however, looked nothing like a_ real_ werewolf, of course he would know, almost being killed by one two years before. He also saw a woman take off an ear and throw it at a child, at least he thought it was a child, it had green scales all over its body. The ear boomerang-ed right back into her hand then she put it back on. All around him were vans and tents with people bustling about doing random things.

No one noticed him for quite some time. But eventually a man as tall as Hagrid and as skinny as Filch walked up and without saying a word nodded Harry in the direction of a van with an open door. Harry followed him obediently and once they were both inside sat there wondering how the tall man could fit in such a small van.

"Hello, my name is Hibernus Tall. I need to ask you a few questions." Mr. Tall said.

"Erm… all right." Harry said uncertainly, still kind of freaked out by this unnaturally tall man. And still too shocked to think properly, he simply answered the questions he was asked.

"What's your name?"

"Harry Potter. Wait, where am I?"

"You're at the Cirque Du Freak. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Hogwarts, it's a school for people with…special abilities. How did I get here?"

"I was just about to ask you that same question."

"Well, I do know that some weird guy with a watch stopped time, or something, when I was on the train to school and then he grabbed me and I ended up here."

"Mr. Tiny!!" Interrupted a guy with long nails, flaming red hair, and a scar down the side of his face, as he let himself into the van. "He kidnapped Darren didn't he? Hibernus, I heard he took him right from under your nose. Why the hell didn't you stop him?!"

"Harry, this is Larten Crepsley. Larten, this is Harry Potter." Mr. Tall introduced unfazed. And then said, "Larten, if you think I have the power to interfere with him than you are grandly overestimating me."

"Erm excuse me, but will some one please explain to me what the hell is going on?" Harry asked, finally finding his voice again.

"Well I believe that Mr. Tiny…" Hibernus began.

"Who is Mr. Tiny?" Harry interrupted.

"The man who kidnapped you." Hibernus answered.

"Oh ,ok." Was Harry's confused response.

"Well…" Hibernus started again.

"Well nothing! That bastard took my assistant, HE TOOK DARREN!!!! For the love of the gods! Doesn't anyone care? HE TOOK DARREN!!!! He kidnapped a Vampire Prince!!!! Tell me where he is and I'll rip his stone heart out!! HE TOOK DARREN!!!!" Larten ranted, while pacing back and forth in the small van, an amazing feat really.

"Larten, please, compose yourself. Darren is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Besides, there's nothing that we can do right now but hope that he can figure out how to get back." Hibernus soothed. "And thanks to my father we now have Harry here to help."

"What are talking about? Are you saying that I'm not going to be able to get back? I'll be expelled! VOLDEMORTS BACK!! IF IM NOT THERE HE'LL KILL EVERYONE!!!!" It was Harry's turn to yell and rant as the reality of the situation finally hit him.

He didn't have much time though, because for the second time in half an hour Harry was slapped in the face. This time by Mr. Crepsley. This resulted in Harry blacking out, need I remind you that vampires are immensely stronger than humans, even wizards ones.

Darren found the gates to the castle locked. Not that that was a problem for him. He was over that sucker in 3 seconds flat. He continued his angry walking and cursing all the way up to the giant doors, where he was met by a tall, old man with a long white beard and half moon glasses.

"Hello. Who are you?' the old man questioned.

"Uh… my name's Darren Shan." Darren replied uncertainly.

"You're not a muggle, not a wizard, not a werewolf…" the old man mumbled almost to himself. "Ah, are you a vampire?"

"Uuuuuhhhhhhh…" Darren had no idea how to answer that.

Ok. I know Mr. Crepsley would never show that much emotion and he would definitely never slap someone, but I kinda like the whole fatherly thing on him. I think it's cute! And I swear that there well be way more of Darren next chapter!!! And remember PLEASE R&R!!! thanx!


	3. Chapter 3

Darren was dumbstruck.

How the hell did this old man know that he was a vampire? And why was he eating a frog? And why was he just standing there smiling like a warthog on crack? And most importantly, why in the names of all the vampire gods was this man wearing a purple DRESS?!?

All of these questions had to wait. Because while Darren was mentally ranting and the old man was staring blankly into space and drooling on his dress, another person had joined them at the front door. The new addition was an elderly lady, with her gray hair pulled back into a bun, and a dress that looked curiously similar to the one that the old man was wearing.

"Albus, are you just going to let this poor boy just stand outside all night? Or are we going to let him in?" The old lady asked the old man, whose name was apparently Albus.

"Oh! We're did you come from Minerva?" Albus said as he was started out of his stupor. Looking down at Darren he asked, "And who are you, young man?"

Minerva sighed and motioned Darren inside. As he stepped through the giant oak doors he found himself in a huge room. Being the keen and cunning Vampire prince that he was Darren instantly started studying said room. There were many doors branching off into what one can only assume are corridors, a huge, and I mean huge staircase leading up to gods only know where, a gigantic set of wooden doors through which he could see….students? eating and talking away, and behind him were what looked like four rather large time turners. But these time turners were not filled with sand, as one would expect, no, they were filled with very shiny stones. Darren stood there staring at the stones for a moment. Just then he heard a loud crash immediately followed by someone shouting "10 points from Hufflepuff!". The disturbing thing was that right when those words were spoken Darren saw 10 shiny rocks float back up into the top of the yellow time turner. _That can't be normal_, Darren mused.

"Would you care for a lemon drop, young man?" Albus asked.

"Umm… no thank you."

"What about a chocolate frog?"

"…" Darren was lost. "A chocolate what?"

"A frog. Look it bounces!" to prove his point the old man took, from what Darren could tell, an _actual_ frog out of his pocket. _Ew_. The frog dived for the stone floor, and much to Darren's surprise, the creature actually bounced.

Thankfully, it was that precise moment that the woman called Minerva decided that it was time to rescue poor Darren.

"Albus, go to the feast." She ordered.

The senile, for he obviously was, man replied simply by walking through the giant wooden doors through which all those students were seated.

"Follow me young man." Darren had no choice but to follow the old woman up the huge staircase. She led him through a maze of corridors that seemed to go on forever. They finally stopped at one of the many doors in this corridor. She took out a stick and waved it at the lock on the door, which sprang open. Now, Darren was confused, and rightly so, but he was _pretty_ sure that waving sticks at doors didn't usually have that effect. The woman held the door open for him and told him to take a seat. As he walked in he noticed that the room resembled his old principal's office. Large wood desk with a nice, plushy chair behind it, with a few rather uncomfortable looking chairs in front. He sat down on one of the uncomfortable chairs and waited. The woman sat down across from him.

"What is your name, young man?"

"Darren Shan."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't know."

'How did you find this castle?"

"I don't know."

"Are you a part of _our_ community?"

"I don't know.'

"Merlin's sake boy! Do you know anything?"

"I know that I was kidnapped!"

"Kidnapped?!" Alarm in her voice. "By who?"

"Des. Tiny."

"You were kidnapped by destiny?" She questioned unconvinced.

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WOO!! I have _finally_ updated. lights self on fire and does happy dance.

I hope you likey. And please R&R.


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